 |
 |
 |
           |
 |
 |
 |
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
 |
How To Date Ann Coulter (If You Must)
I've decided to go public with my intentions: I will not be asking Ann Coulter for a date. There are some good reasons. First, I'm married. Second, there is a substantial age differential. And, third, I fear rejection. While reading Coulter's book, How to Talk to Liberals (If You Must), I thought about the prospects. A single, middle-aged guy who's still trying to look like he's in his 20s would make a perfect match. But before you pick up the phone to pop the question, there are some things you need to know. Keep in mind, for example, that Ann Coulter is relatively good looking. "Relative to what?" you ask. "A '58 Buick? Tapioca? Phyllis Schlafly?" Yes. You'll also want to know that Coulter was born and raised in the Bubba Belt. That's important. Not because she's Ann Coulter, but because it's a date. Any guy who's opened the door for feminist, been called a chauvinist and then jabbed with an upper right (knee) knows all about this. Coulter is no feminist. You will open the door for her. And if you don't, you may get jabbed with an upper right. And that brings me to another announcement. Thursday, April 1, all the women of the world are to meet in my living room. If you are a feminist, you will be tattooed with an X on your forehead. If you are not a feminist, you will be marked with an O. That will end door-opening offenses for women and considerable pain for men. Back to our date with Coulter. You will pick her up at her stylish Washington, D.C. apartment, say, 5ish. When you first see the flow of long blond hair covering the left-side of her face [see photo here], you may want to raise your eyebrows twice. That's body language. It means "hubba-hubba" in Bubbaland. However, the significance of the left-face covering should not be noticed. Just gaze into her gorgeous right eyeball. The preferred date for the evening will be the NBA game. The Indiana Pacers will be playing the Detroit Bullets-oops-Pistons. Granted, it's an unlikely event in Washington, but this is an imaginary date. Don't get excited. Small talk in route to the event will be in order. You will notice Coulter loves words that no one can use or understand, except for her and William F. Buckley, Jr. The most common is "felonious." According the dictionary.com, the word is defined as "adj., relating to anyone Ann Coulter finds disagreeable." It also works well in titles. There was Alexander the Great, Richard the Lionhearted and, according the Coulter, Bill Clinton the Felonious Liar. Sitting somewhere in the arena will be interesting. Coulter will glare with her right eye at the massive structure and lament that its lugubrious bathos was built with lachrymose tax dollars by schadenfreude liberals; all words found on pages 128 and 129 of her book. Not to worry. Excuse yourself during the first fight and go to the gift shop in the lobby. You'll want to buy a voice-activated electronic dictionary with a LCD screen. There is no gift shop, but there is the hair-coming-out-his-nose hotdog stand guy and - just your luck - he's still got a few electronic dictionaries for $14.95; $16.95 with mustard. Back in the stands, you can now understand Coulter. Contretemps, you learn, means, affliction; epiphanic means something akin to religious, and @#%&* (page 309) means Hillary's serious about running for president. Wise guy that you are, you'll want to have a bit of humor ready when the Pacers and Pistons square off in row 12. While Artest is punching an epiphanic (page 105) fan in the nose, you will turn and look Coulter in the eye and quip, "Geez, I didn't know these guys could play hockey!!" If she sniggles (not in her book), you've made a hit. If she rambles on about why white hockey players don't get fined for fighting because they're, uh, white, then you've got a ways to go. With the game over, it's time to escort Coulter to a fine dining establishment. At your date's behest, you mark Ben and Jerry's off the list. Chinese sounds good and if you can't understand your waiter, does it matter? You can't understand your date, either. The conversation turns to politics. (Who woulda known.) Coulter's right eye gleams as she rants about feminist cornpones (page 235), gun owners' rights and the need to squarsh the IRS like a bug. So far so good. You decide you may have met your match. But then you bring up civil liberties and Coulter tussles her hair and - gasp! - she has a left eye after all. Her right eye now covered, she goes apoplectic over the smarminess of the war on drugs (pages 246 and 44.) "It's not about drugs," you explain. "It's about personal rights." Her left eye glares. "You know," you add, "like the Patriot Act." Her left eye bugs out. Enough is enough, you decide. Noting the O tattooed on her forehead, you get to pick up the tab. And the tip. The evening ends when you walk Coulter to the door of her crib and give her a friendly kiss her on her tattoo. "No wonder," you surmise, "the Libertarians in Connecticut didn't want her on their ticket." Your conclusion is ineluctable (page 30.)
MORE RESOURCES:
Politics - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Fight Terror, With Education A War on Terrorism? Conventional war being brought on an unconventional enemy is ineffective out of date. Building these countries up to a certain level of stability, and allowing them to take over and govern themselves is part of the Presidents plan. Hawala, or The Bank That Never Was I. OVERVIEWIn the wake of the September 11 terrorist attacks on the USA, attention was drawn to the age-old, secretive, and globe-spanning banking system developed in Asia and known as "Hawala" (to change, in Arabic). Army Recruiting Dilemma Discussed Currently the US Army is having trouble recruiting. These problems stem from the distrust of parents who lived thru the Vietnam War, as they remember the number of soldiers killed and would prefer their offspring are not needlessly sacrificed. Lost and Found in Gaza The evacuation of Gaza is now completed, and the world has been watching closely. As a proud member of the Jewish People, I have nothing but admiration for the soldiers of the Israel Defense Forces, for the humane way they carried out this most difficult military assignment. North Korea and Diplomatic Solutions; Random Thoughts Part II North Korea and diplomatic games; something has to give and negotiating with those who renege on promises in treaties is a problematic issue for the United States. Here are some additional random thoughts on this issue which span a few years of off and on thinking on the matter. Fuel Prices on the Rise With gasoline prices at the pump climbing strongly into the $2 slot, many people are becoming concerned about how high they may go, and what Congress should do about it, if anything. Petroleum prices effect the pricing of so many other products. Jihad Will Continue The Jihad against the Western World will continue. It will also continue against the Eastern World next. Responding to Article: Logic Class 101 Applied to the Minuteman Project In response to Douglas Bower's article; Logic Class 101 Applied to the Minuteman Project and on going topic of the BS at our borders, I wish to comment. First I agree with the Professor regarding the rhetoric and questionable comments from the Minute Men, I agree with the problematic liability, I agree with our own national debate that few in our population see the issues on both sides. Public Sector Economies in Transition In the previous article, we described the various methods developed in the West to cope with the ever-burgeoning public sector.Yet, economies in transition everywhere in the world have learned a lesson the hard way: not everything that is Western - necessarily fits their needs. Elliot Spitzer, are the Rats Leaving the Ship Are the junior attorneys in the Attorney General's office leaving the ship yet? Are the New York State Attorney General Office's up and coming prosecutors and lawyers jumping ship as to not be caught in the future demise of Elliot Spitzer fall from reputation? We will see as Elliot Spitzer starts to lose all his cases that the attorneys in his office wish to distance themselves from the New York Attorney General's office.It is common knowledge that rats and rodents often leave the ship prior to it sinking. Canada Tries to Stop Flow of Drugs into the US As more and more cities and states set up websites and pass measures to allow for importing price controlled Canadian drugs into the US to control the rising cost of healthcare, Canada is starting to take notice on the impact of such practices on it's government run healthcare system. Canada doesn't like what it sees, and for good reason. Iranian Elections and Boiling Points The Iranian elections are certainly interesting indeed. The ruling party is doing their utmost to block satellite TV downloads which might not be positive to their rulers. The Protocols of Sion # 2 -The Protocol plan 'will remain invisible until the moment when it has gained such strength that no cunning can any longer undermine it.' (Protocol 1) {Gardner's 1999 book and those of Barrett and the Blandford Publishers would seem to make it no longer "invisible"!}-'Wars, so far as possible, should not result in territorial gains. The Hegemony - Church and State THE ECCLESIASTICAL GRANT:There are good things done by the hegemony. The Shriner's Hospital is one fine example to be sure. National ID Cards Have More Than Australians Concerned Fearful that terrorists will next target Australia, Prime Minister John Howard broke the silence this week. He reopened the debate on issuing mandated national ID cards. Government Credit Card Abuse Veterans Affairs Employees using government credit cards on personal items? Yes it is true and it is happening at the DOD, Air Force, Navy. There have been stories of this happening at local sheriff's offices. Political Lobbying & Biblical Aspects of the Mid-East Crisis 1) IS HAVING A DEMOCRACY MORE EFFECTIVE IN ADDRESSING POLITICAL CONCERNS?The answers below, except for item 3, are a composite of what has come out of 3 Christian web sites in trying to answer the above question.1) Winston S. Cracking Down on Cigar Counterfeiters In the most rewarding new industries, there is often a convergence of factors that make them lucrative and sustainable. Factors like the emergence of new technologies, a ripening of the consumer market, or a political climate that spawns laws and regulations that give a particular business model oomph can revolutionize an industry. Make Plastic Out of Corn Here is an interesting thought; Corn to make Plastic An interesting new way to make plastic from corn has been discovered and will be put into process by big chemical companies, which could further erode the Oil prices. And it is of interest that the companies involved in this process are huge, as big as the oil companies they will compete against. Religion, Wars and Civilization Many are quick to point out the benefits of religion in civilization as the bond that keeps us together; a bond, which keeps society from disrupting into chaos and spontaneously turning to anarchy. Yet, to do so without discussion of the flip side of the coin is misleading at best.
|
 |